Saturday, 11 May 2013
Before I started graduate school, I had it all planned out. Get in, graduate, and gain experience so that one day I'll be able to get my dream job at the USGS, working for the goverment with good plans and secure employment. It doesn't sound too complicated but I guess this was a time when employers wanted someone with a higher degree. Three years later and now, unless you want to work for an oil company working long hours on a rig far away from common areas, that degree is great. Anywhere else, and it's a nightmare. I don't mind starting small with a smaller income than expected but before I can even consider that I need to have a job. Yet, I cannot even get an interview. Even after I lost my objective of "office or lab work only."
I'm still at this temp job. I've been upgraded to working into the diamond room where I basically just fill bags. It's not glorious but it's more tolerable and busy work than tagging jewelry or worrying about basic business duties. I mean, I hate that I'm being babysat and hate how much it takes to prove myself but that's any job. Generally speaking, I've been doing well. The only problem really present is that I'm slow and in this business, the more jobs filled the better. Things have to get sent to and from, created, and out to the stores. As I have my own pace, this is a problem for me but that is expected from any job so it's something I was gonna have trouble with regardless of the industry or income.
So if I am to get offered a permanent position, I have to prove more productive. Will be hard but not by any means impossible. I'm still frustrated about my job search. Try as I do, nothing seems to be getting anywhere but I've made a decision. I dunno if my dream job is possible but I'm gonna keep applying. Meanwhile, during the week I'll prove to this company, I'd be a good permanent employee. And if I get offered a position, I'll seriously think about it. I can't say I'll be there in the long run but if it is another 6 months before I see my dream job, I'll have something to fall back on and get an income I need. If months turn into years though, I might have to accept that my dream job isn't pursuable and I'll give up. The company I have now is stable, has nice employees, and duties that are up my alley. It isn't a horrible alternative. I hope that I'll hear something solid before an offer is made in July or late June but hope only gets you so far. You have to be practical as well.
Monday, 08 April 2013
There's something about the easy route that is attractive. I started this temp job that has basically me tagging jewelry. Extremely tedious and boring and the wage isn't impressive but I felt I had to generate some income and force myself to get back into the working world, even if it isn't my dream job. At the end of the job, there's a possibility I might get offered permanent employment. During the first week, I thought no but as I got more acquainted with the business, people, and comfortable with working, it started to sound not so bad. After all, I won't be tagging forever. Everyone starts there it seems.
I mean, it'd be easy. No more worrying about how your resume looks, how you are gonna be able to pay basic bills, and security for as long as you earn it. What is most appealing is not having to continuously put in applications, searching pages and pages of job listings, fighting the disappointment and frustration when none you apply to get back. It sucks. As hard and exhausting a full day is, knowing all you have coming when you come home is applying to jobs is no fun. Especially if you consider I have to get up very early and arrive home late due to a long commute. Daily life is exhausting.
It wouldn't be that high paying job that will make me satisified or use my degrees. Supposedly, it pays decently and there is a variety of duties among the office. Yet, it'd stop the need to continue looking and allow me to earn an income and start this career I want. Let me get into the working world and get knowledge of how it works. That's what I need really. I need to distance myself from school and force myself into work and adult responsibilities.
That's not what I really want though. My dreams of a great, satisifying job where I can become a workaholic and do great things. Benefit others and earn an income indicative of my educational degrees, in a field that I find challenging. Yet, there's the want of easy in the face of something that is considerably difficult that has its own appeal. I don't want to settle for less or let the world smash my ambition but I'm not sure how to proceed to get what I want. I keep trying different tactics but it never seems to lead anywhere.
Monday, 18 March 2013
It has been an incredibly challenging March so far. The hardest I've had probably. Perhaps I shouldn't be complaining, as I've wanted change for a while, but I forgot how exhausting it can be. Trying to adapt, figure out a new place, adjust your living conditions, deal with new people. It is all very tiring.
March started with my defense. A trying thing for someone who has horrible communication skills, followed by a drilling of the committee, where I either was thrown in a direction I didn't imagine or found flustered with basic questions. However, I passed. Then, what followed was the thesis edits, which I tirelessly worked on in order to get it done in about a week. Then I had to get the formatting approved, which was a chore due to microsoft word and it's margins. Then, the printing, distribution, binding...don't even get me started on all the paperwork required or how much it cost me. I even had to buy special paper. In the end, though, everything was approved, given, and I graduated.
Not that that was the end of it. In order to work with my parents, I moved the next day. Packing was hard, especially with limited boxes. I didn't even get to cleaning, which made it difficult for mom and dad. I do feel guilty but based on what was happening and everything that had to get done, in order to leave I can't bring myself to apologize. Worst of all, is the mental preparation I had underwent to accept I was moving, saying goodbyes and the life I built down there. It was hard. It had to happen and I left, closing all doors so it wasn't horrible but it was trying nonetheless.
What followed was two days of driving. Well, I wasn't so I kind of rested but still some long hours. Especially considering my parents expected me to sleep at 9 pm. I couldn't tell you the last time I went to bed at that time. Indeed, for the last week I was up to 2 am trying to do stuff. Got to colorado easily enough but then came endless questions about where to place things, how I want things configured, duties I should do as "rent." All when I didn't even fully understand I'm in colorado to stay, under the roof of my parents. I still don't. Nonetheless, I did small things in order to make a productive day but there was a frustration and acceptance of change I had to go through.
I thought if I just took it slowly and allowed myself to adapt again it wouldn't be so bad but that isn't meant to be. I started with temp agencies and such, which led me to exhaustion, given that was a huge step for me. The afternoon brought a call and a new meeting tomorrow. I mean, that's good, starting early and all but that means venturing into a huge city, with skyscrappers, on a different public transportaton system into places, people all new. When I haven't even really figured out what my life is gonna be. I'm straight back to being a fish out of water, figuring out new things, new ways of living. And it sucks. I haven't even fully unpacked. Given it's colorado and I've lived here, there's some familiarity but things have changed and I haven't even started to understand how or what they are.
I've lived the last two and a half weeks by just doing what was expected, that I never got the opportunity to just readjust or read my surroundings. Yet everyone is expecting great things of me, when all I want is to breathe and realize what's happening. React to them. I'm not prepared for what's happening. If things can't stop, can't they slow down and allow me to catch up?
Saturday, 02 February 2013
I have a t-shirt that says "life is easy, it's just the freaking people who make it difficult." And right now, that is really hard to deny. The tip of my problems seem to be Karen. She is one of the members in the group I volunteer and asked me for some help in english. Not that I can teach well, much less in English, a field I'm not particularly strong in. However, I've written tons of essays and format paragraphs, know when to place things, and that sort. And me, being a good person, said yes. I didn't have a clue to what I agreed to.
The first time we met she didn't even know the basic three paragraph outline. It was remarkable. I mean, she got into a college so she should know at least that much. Boggles the mind really. The next time she asked for help was a couple days ago with a 2 page paper. For three hours, I sat there and taught her how to recognize and build a basic paragraph, connecting the subjects and sentences. She claims she needs more help but she's said "let's meet up" like 4 times and either forgotten ("Oh, I was too tired") or cancelled formally. I don't mind helping her really but if I'm gonna take my time and help her, she should be mindful of how annoying it is to make plans to help and have them fall through again, and again.
What's worst, I can probably lecture her but she won't get it. I really don't know if it was a good idea getting better acquainted with her. I mean, you've heard of people saying "they hear voices" but usually half the time it was just a joke or they've had that kind of day. This time I'm serious though. She really can hear voices and what they say is not for the kind-hearted. Even the police ignore her because she's reported enough false, she can't be believed. She claims she has a stalker, her neighbors went and raped someone, and the like. Yet, there was a stint back last year when she claimed another person called her in, which didn't happen. She can seriously flip on someone suddenly, without reason or logic.
I seriously don't know what to do but if she calls tomorrow and asks to meet, I'm gonna have to stand my ground. It's superbowl day and my team is playing. Monday looks bad too. Maybe I need to talk to someone and see what they say to do. Not about to do that with my parents though. Just before I left and came back, my mom went and had this whole emotional breakdown about what dangers await me potentially. I mean, one part of it is parent worry so I could understand and I am one state away. One part was just her not respecting how I can handle myself. She does have some points as I am a little naive about real life, my head in school and books but I think twice, react as necessary, and can usually figure it out. If I tell, it'd be like my mom being right and I don't want that.
I'm having enough issues as it is. Jobs are going nowhere. My thesis has changed a lot and the progress has been impressive but I still have one more "small" edit to go through. I've only been hearing this for 6 months. I want to see results already. Yet, I sit there and smile, being that understanding person. It's just so hard being so close and so far. I'm gonna have to see this through though, somehow but it's like my life has come to a stop. And yet everyone else is seeing great changes in their lives and, well, are actually doing something. It's really hard to see and incredibly frustrating for me.
My brother continues to search for that elusive and highly-in demand with more stock than necessary fireman job but he is continuing his school for that degree. He's still holding onto that EMT job, getting experience despite the small pay. Planning the wedding I hear and even volunteered to help my dad with the garage they're putting in. They've talked about it since I was a kid so it wasn't surprising but I'm surprised they want to get into it and are willing to spend the money, now of all times. But it is undeniable that it is necessary and adds good value to the house. And who knows what my sister is doing.
I mentioned previously she was pressuring her bf about an engagement ring. I also mentioned how I disapproved, how,it could create problems. She still wants it. She doesn't have it now and no one knows when she will. Yet, she is absolutely and positively sure it will take place in the history museum in Denver, on April 13, 2014. Because she works there, she gets a good deal so I'm saying that is smart moneywise but at the same time, putting on the brakes. Uh, shouldn't you get a formal proposal and mutual interest from the guy first? She's even started dress shopping. Oh goodness. Not that I'm thrilled at having to attend the wedding anymore than my brother's but I don't see how this can end well.
I know every couple is different and no one knows what the future brings for sure but you don't have to be a highly educated psychologist to see she's putting a lot of pressure on her bf. I remember seeing this story on TLC's "say yes to the dress". So sue me, but sometimes the bride and her family can make those appointments endearing and ridiculous. Anyway, one bride did what my sister is doing. She wanted the ring, the wedding, the whole fairytale. Found a gorgeous dress with the idea some grand wedding was to come. Updated later to say the fiance broke off the engagement. No offense to the bride and not excusing the groom who should have stood up to her sooner but yeah, what did she expect?
People do things at their own pace and planning for something big and expensive that isn't a given yet is stupid. I don't want to predict gloom in my sister's future. Seriously, if she could break my family's curse and not get divorced, points to her. However, I cannot see her bf liking this. In relationships you'll deal with it because you love them and her bf says he does, but down the line when he is older and realizes what the world holds will he appreciate being talked into jumping something he isn't ready for? Yet, is it any of my business? I can answer the second: no. There's a part of me who wants to call up my sister and ask what's she doing. Try to get some sense of what she is potentially creating. My sister drives me nuts sometimes granted and no, I'm not a fan of weddings or marriage to begin with, but I don't want her to become the dumped and have to go through divorce.
I realize that even marriages that go with the flow might not end up well too but starting off with this force and pressure is not any better. Because right now, I can just see it: me getting a phone call from my overly emotional sister saying she's getting a divorce, potentially even bringing kids into it. Or even allowing my sister to move in my guest bedroom while it is settled. The like. And I'm gonna sit there and think: well, you did just jump off bridge and force such a legal commitment on him before he was ready. I'm sorry for being Ms. Negativity but I'm saying this out of concern, for her, for his, for any resultant children, who stand to be deeply hurt.
Yes, a part of it is envy that she's doing something with her life and my desire for time and life to stop until I get things figured out and are on the same par but those personal feelings have no influence on what her bf is thinking or feeling. The blog and my best friend are the only person I have told these feelings to because I believe and always will that this is her/his life and I have no right to tell them how to live it. I do, however, have a personal opinion of it all and I'm not afraid of writing it here.
Wednesday, 09 January 2013
I wonder if there'll be a day when I'm not tired. Or at least so tired, it's not intolerable. Given I am a worry wart I don't imagine there'll be a day when I don't have some perceived troubles but I still hope to be secure enough that I know I've secured employment, have an income, and don't have to worry about not being able to pay my bills. I'm not asking to be rich but make enough I can be comfortable that going grocery shopping won't break the bank and that if I slowly save, I could make it to Japan. I'm making slow but sure strives in school and my thesis so that'll work out, I just have to be patient.
Yet, the job search continues to boggle my mind. I feel like I've tried so many tactics and ways but the doors just keeping closing. And I'm not about to try and force them open again. I tried, lost, and I have to accept that. In my dream last night, I remember being sleepy and just wanting to sleep but there was so much stuff going on around me, I couldn't. I can't remember what was going around me but I know it was chaotic and annoying to the me who just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. According to interpretation, that means I'm not seeing an opportunity. Hah. I've seen plenty of those, they just went nowhere.
Matt's dad and his connections didn't go anywhere. I have yet to hear from any of those government jobs. I tried direct ways like the PMF, where I've either haven't heard anything or have been ignored. I've tried jobs I am overqualified for, where I know I may not get those jobs, but that if they see my resume, maybe there'll be something else I don't know. Yesterday, I even searched through 30 pages of geologist jobs but I either didn't care for the duties, didn't have the experience, or there were preferences that wouldn't get me anywhere. I even sat there and looked at a lab tech job in Ohio and almost applied for it. I mean, maybe I shouldn't be picky but I can get 15/hour at a clerical job in Denver, where my family lives and it'll save me airfare every holiday. I have SOME expectations given how educated I am.
Yet this lab or office job that appreciates that I have a MS degree is nowhere to be found. I guess I have to apply directly to companies that appreciate geologists. Will probably go nowhere but that's where I am right now. I'm not sure what else to do. I'm also gonna have to get into contact with my old internship supervisor. Other than these two new methods, there's not much else I can do. You have family and friends who say you're smart and someone is gonna see that, that that job is out there, you just have to find it. People have been saying that for a while though and I never seem to get anywhere. Maybe this job I am looking for, really doesn't exist but it's not like my requirements are overly harsh. I do want a lab or office only job that is hard to find but I'm not picky about the location, duties, or the company. I really am flexible and open minded when it comes to things like that. It's just all for naught if no one meets me halfway.